The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
They must have gotten it to go.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Not my job 😂
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*