“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING