if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I beg your pardon?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes