Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*