i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.