-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”