i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You Might Also Like
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
found my next D&D character name
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed