Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
You Might Also Like
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Sunday
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
This meeting could have been a cake
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.