This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious