Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Spa day..😅
boat question
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.