cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.