Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
You Might Also Like
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Friends that check up on you >
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.