You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
decorating my apartment
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench