Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
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Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Chicken bread
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.