me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
You Might Also Like
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
🙋♀️
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.