They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
You Might Also Like
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?