It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.