My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
getting old is fun
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume