i guess his teacher was really pissed
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.