OH. COME. ON.
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So, can we agree on 4 or
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.