I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.