You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
This meal prepping shit is easy
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.