Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.