toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
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COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway