ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more