The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Twitter is an abusement park.
*launders Kohls cash*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.