Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
he chose this
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed