‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*