Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My blood type is b hungry.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
i hate you platonically
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This makes total sense…
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
The human personality is made of five key elements
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.