People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
He鈥檚 dead
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don鈥檛 let me on your apocalypse survival team
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I鈥檓 on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you鈥檙e hiding another vowel in your name.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 馃ぃ馃槒
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I鈥檇 remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics