Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Discuss
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.