Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.