“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH