My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
In banana years, I am bread.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.