Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Herpes is trending, good job people
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭