ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.