Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
smartest karate player in the world
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best