I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You Might Also Like
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
my name if I was in the mob
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*