Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME