*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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Jogging
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Gemma Correll
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories