*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me too door. Me too.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day