Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good