Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I told my vodka about you.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.