me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT