I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater