Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Pat is about to own someone
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.