me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
You Might Also Like
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!