[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills