People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet