I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Tuesday
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information